Woops...

...After much deliberation and examination of the possible contenders, I have officially decided that today has been my worst day so far this year.
While I thought I had my 'problem' with stress and the turns I have in relation under control, I found out that today, I was unable to mask over the intense, horrific feeling that I couldn't possibly explain. Only people who have felt it before will know and sympathise with the dank, emptiness that one of these 'spells' creates within oneself. Well, since I started managing to control this hoo-hah, I have avoided making my associated temperments obvious to people in close proximity.
Until today. I have been so disheartened to have had to go through today and now, sitting at hope, I feel disappointed and embarassed that others have seen that I can be such a totally, miserable bastard.
The day was doomed to failure from the start. Having worked tirelessly two days in a row without sleep, I was ready to crash out on Saturday night, only for partying noises from a local pub to keep me awake until the early hours. So I woke up feeling quite crabby, but this didn't set alarm bells ringing. It's normal to feel ratty when you're tired and I presumed that this was all that it was at this stage. However, my complete inability to smile and my deep loathing of most people I met, even people I know and love dearly, finally made me click that this wasn't going away.
Perhaps it wasn;'t as bad as I thought, but certainly the psychological realisation that I was having a 'phase' just made me give in to it right away and made it seem possibly worse than it was.
And so, the influx of customers began. Working in customer service (the word service being a cunning representation of complaints), it is all too natural to get the saddest, most irritating and frustrating people in the world coming up to you and I was not one for patience today. So I decided to escape the merciless torrent of twats by putting a colleague who needed 'desk for helping morons' training behind and going to put out stock. However, while I was smack bang in the middle of carrying this procedure out, along comes Ms Bossy Boots, telling me in no uncertain terms that SOMEONE has to do stock. So she tries to take the person away to do her precious stock so I intervene and say I'll do the stock if he stays there and trains.
Because she hadn't heard that he was to be trained, she is determined that this wasn't meant to happen and attempted to put a spanner in the works. I put the case forward and assured her that he IS to get trained so she ordered me onto stock as if I was planning on standing round like an imbecele. I told her that I had already SAID I was going on stock and felt my temper fraying at a speedy verocity. Upon once again implying that I intended to stand around doing nothing, I then lost my temper with her and we had a somewhat loud and vicious sparring match in which neither of us decided to back down.
I went away to do stock, in full foul temper, and was nasty to a fair few people, which I feel totally awful about. My head still feels mucked up, but that is not an excuse to be as off as I was. I should have maintained my previous abilities to control myself. returning from a short lunch break which involved me going home and releasing pent up aggression in the form of shouting, tearing, screaming and tears, I thought I had everything out of my system. As the person in training is not yet allowed to man the wanker service desk on his own, I covered the lunch of the other person working there. As soon as she returned, I started to finish off doing the paperwork and was about to set off on stock when, just in beautiful timing, Ms Bossy Boots comes round the corner and tells me to 'get on stock' I angrily tell her that that is already where Im going but she refuses to believe this, despite the assurances from my colleagues that I am not actually a liar. Next thing I know, she has told on me to the manager who comes round to tell me that my colleague needs training and it would help if I were to be on stock, in a most patronising manner!
Seething, I decided it would not be wise to mouth off at the manager, so I avoided eye contact and nodded in agreement. He kept persisitng, almost as if daring me to take the bait, but by this time, I was reminding myself that I could go home in an hour and avoid all human contact to get this...thing out of my system. The day ended, rather slowly, with everyone pestering me, demanding to know what was wrong, and insisting that they wouldn't tell anyone, as if that would make me divulge personal information (he says, typing it on a website for all to see. At least there is some form of anonymity(sp?) here and I release this pent up frustration...I am perfectly aware that this elongated post is a load of mindless babble but it helps, okay?)
I was relieved to return to an empty household and I do feel a lot better now. However, something still weighs in me and Im terrified that I'm going to go back to this time last year, emotions wise.
Having felt that I had seen and experienced the back of these emotions, today was a horrific reminder of just how much of a wreck I can find myself in. I am not going to be doing school or work for the vast majority of this week, instead commiting myself to a hermit like lifestyle, just to ensure that I get all this crap out of my system and don't make an arse of myself once again.

Again, apologies for this post and, even though none will likely read this, I hope the people I "crossed" today know that I'm sorry also.