So it's come to this...

Well my pretty warped mind is playing more cruel tricks on me just to see where and when I will snap.
It's come to this...my self esteem at an all time low I feel unable to leave the house now and I can't face people and the negativity that exists within them.
Whether or not it's paranoia talking, I feel I can't relax in front of others, because of what they might be thinking about me.

Maybe I am more snappy than I used to be. Maybe I am more emotional and maybe I am too weak to deal with the crap hand life is giving me over this past year. Maybe I have lost too much weight but none of these judgements that people make about me are easy to digest because most of me doesn't want to face them.
And so my mind convinces me otherwise. My emotions are fine, everyone is overreacting, and I haven't lost nearly enough weight yet.

But in those moments where rationality kicks in and I see what's happening, it's damn scary and, if anything, acknowledging that there ar eproblems just makes the whole lot even worse.
So, finally I fully understand the phrase 'caught in vicious circle' but I would be more inclined to replace the word 'caught' with the word 'trapped'

That's the word that I would use to sum up my situation and my mentality these days. ANd it's a damn tricky trap to squeeze out of.
The week started with getting distant from the ones I love for fear of rejecting or annoying them. Then I couldnt go swimming with people I trust for fear of their judgements on my changing physical appearance. Now even leaving the house and facing people and going to work fills me with such dread and fear and I can't even put my finger on why.

I have 3 hours to pull myself together because it's too late to phone in sick. But it's a target that's a lot more daunting and difficult than most would imagine.